Tele-bloody-coms - just give us your wallet

The chap from BT was most beguiling.  The package was irresistible, and we'd been specially chosen as loyal customers.  Free broadband, free phone calls, help with the mortgage and use of a private Lear jet whenever we wanted.  All we had to do was switch my broadband from Talk-talk to BT. 'Tell them you want a Big Mac code', said the nice Geordie. 'Get them to send it to your mobile. I''ll ring you back at 4:30.'


I wonder whether anybody from Oftel has ever donned disguise and tried to get a Big Mac code out of Talk-talk. They would be horrified. Talk-talk's response to a polite request for the code is a threat to cut you off instantly from your mobile and your broadband (illegal), followed by a sweetener - "oh - your loyalty compels us to offer you free calls for life and the free use of a Jumbo jet."


It is absolutely impossible, even for a reasonably intelligent punter who just wants to keep costs of landline and mobile phone calls and internet use down to a level which his pension can accommodate  comfortably, to choose between fish and cheese, because like is never compared to like.


Even last month's itemised bill from Talk-talk was unintelligible. I've no doubt the sums charged were correct, but the headings under which they were grouped were utterly meaningless to someone who doesn't speak fonejarg.


I had the Talk-talk bill yesterday for the mobile calls I made trying to make contact with them to request a Big Mac code.  It was over £8, waiting for a reply, and this is the dirty side of telecoms - the invisible charges.


Oftel is failing in its job.  Telecoms is now utterly obfuscatory to ordinary mortals.


I still haven't made a decision.  Since Talk-talk took over Tiscali the broadband service has tightened up, and  TT warn you when to expect a day or so of mild disruption, but they bully you with implied threats if you say you are thinking of migrating. BT owns the infrastructure and doesn't like intruders, and is marginally more persuasive, but it tries too hard when it's going for the kill, and doesn't like taking no for an answer, so it makes nuisance calls to people who've been on the telephone preference scheme for yonks.


And we, the people who fund the big players, are treated with contempt if we protest at their doorstep salesmanship.


That Thatcher woman, doyenne of the car-boot market-place, has a hell of a lot to answer for.