Wanted - doorstep preference scheme

I am beginning to have some sympathy with my ancestors, who were wont to dissuade besiegers of their castle by the simple expedient of pouring vats of boiling oil over them (the Investment Preference Scheme, I believe it was known as.)


Ever since the invention of the electric telephone and the doorbell, not a mealtime goes by without the intrusion of some touting pedlar into the privacy and the sanctity of your stronghold.


And their colossal impertinence is only matched by their aggression when you do not meekly submit.


The latest invasion, heralded by clamour of doorbell and simultaneous hammering on the front door, enough to waken the dead, interrupted our evening meal yesterday.  A representative of Sky (a television company, I am told) offered to upgrade our installation and stuck his foot in to jam the door.


Well, we don't have Sky, thank you, and we don't want Sky, having no interest whatsoever in paying out a fortune for programmes that we would never watch, and after this we have vowed that Sky will enter this house over our dead bodies, but he couldn't believe it.  "Then who do you get your broadband and your telephone from?", he asked incredulously, as my dinner cooled upon the plate.


"That is absolutely none of your bloody business", I'm afraid I replied, with all the pent-up anger of one who has against his will been turned into a consumer by the economic philosophy of a grocer's daughter from Grantham.  He gave me a filthy look, as though my reluctance to hand over my wallet to him was all my fault.


It's a bit difficult in a bungalow, 'cos you haven't got the height, but I'm sure a few of us neighbours can get together and work something out.


So does anybody know where we can get, say, 100 gallons of crude or a ton of pitch at a knockdown price, a very large Baby Burco, and a second-hand trebuchet?